It Will Be Worth it at the Top (South Africa Journal, January 19, 2011)

So much of what we do seems meaningless. I don't say that to sound negative or dismal. When you think about life--at least the way that most of us live it--most of our daily activities are not memorable. On Friday, most of us won't remember what we were doing at 7:21 pm on Monday night. That's just the way things go. Time passes while we go about the tasks that fill our days. Days become weeks bleeding into months sneaking into years. And at the end of it all, do we really feel that most of our time spent was meaningful? Have all of the steps I've taken meant something? If they have then I certainly can't see what they all mean or how they all fit in to the journey.

This past Saturday, along with my 11 compatriots, I made the trek up Table Mountain, South Africa's most famous. While I was in better shape (better than I even gave myself credit for) for the endeavor than I'd anticipated, it was far from easy--especially at midday. Most of trip up is at extreme angles, using large stone steps. The peaks loom far overhead, and just when you feel you've made some progress, you realize that the path cuts off to the left or right for another hundred yards or so before you can continue your upward progression. There are points where you can't help asking yourself, Why am I doing this? All I see in front of me are stone steps. Above me, the mountain taunts, seemingly taking a few steps back every time I take one. Where is the meaning? What is this accomplishing? I want shade. I want to sit down on a block of ice and then take a nap. Then I'll get up and finish. Tomorrow.

We pressed on and finally made it. The top is mostly flat and can be picked out even as you fly into Capetown--hence the name. My brain is screaming at me for more liquid; I've made it this far with about 20 ounces--something I was proud of myself for until about 20 minutes after I ran out. But something gives me pause as I stumble up the last few steps. There is nothing but the expansive emptiness of sky above me. Aside from the sounds of other jubilant and exhausted voices, there is complete stillness. I am, quite literally, on top of the world. Every direction I turn I can see where sky meets ocean. Breathtaking in this case doesn't even begin to do it justice, and the most beautiful camera lens could not capture this moment. I turn around and look back from the direction we came. Between the two peaks we came between to reach the top, I can see the entire city. I can't see the bottom, but for the most part I'm able to distinguish our path up the mountainside. Part of me feels like it wasn't even me that made the journey.

It's because the journey is what changes us. It's not the beginning or the end. It's what got us through. It's what pushed and pulled us, from the first chapter to the last. The things that kept us moving even after we'd lost track of the "why's" and "how's". We won't always feel like our steps have meaning. Sometimes we can see our destination. More often we may not even know there is one. But now and again, we have the opportunity to turn around. To see where we came from. How far God brought us. And when we reach our destination, whether it's in this life or the next one, we will see the value in each meaningless step. The purpose in the menial progression. It will be worth the wait, I promise.

Greater Things (South Africa Journal, January 12, 2011)

On the outskirts of the township of Capricorn you will find what looks like a small, unimpressive rectangular building. Next to it is a small, unimpressive slab of pavement. Both are contained by a small, unimpressive fence, with an unimpressive gate topped with unimpressive razor wire. Things aren't always what they appear. Permanent buildings are not allowed to be built in Capricorn indefinitely, so what appears to be a building is, in reality, several storage containers with a wall filling in the gaps between, with a makeshift roof to protect the interior from the elements. I can tell you right now that on any given day, you would pass it by without noticing or recalling a single, unimpressive detail.

We are surrounded by big. Bombarded with it, seduced with it. We flaunt it, we work our whole lives to achieve it, and we will in some cases die for it. Yet we fail to realize that we die without it.

It's difficult to even express the ways in which one's perspective changes when you have caught a glimpse of what real life is all about and how it feels to live it. It takes hold of you like a drug. Sometimes you wonder why you put yourself through it, but again and again you find yourself craving more. You can't go back to the way things were. I find myself caught up in something that is not bigger, rather, something that is greater, than I could ever imagine. Things that in pursuit of something else, I may have passed by. The affection of a child. Late night conversations about life and faith. Friends that have become family. The more I experience of this journey, the more I realize that it is the little things that become big things. The unimpressive, the insignificant--becomes greater.

On any given day, you might pass the Capricorn center and not even know it. But had you walked by today, you may have heard the sound of hundreds of tiny voices lifted to heaven. The sound of praise amidst loss and suffering, hope amidst abuse, and dependence amidst poverty. The sound of triumph and joy carried by the wind, singing, "Greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city . . . "

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

-Robert Brault

So Unfit (South Africa Journal--January 8th, 2011)

I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude, sitting where I am right now. There is a sense of desensitization that happens sometimes when you have been blessed with opportunities like this one so many times--it's a shame, really. As we waited to board our connecting flight in London, one of my teammates pointed out that I have been incredibly blessed to have had so many opportunities to travel overseas before even entering or graduating college. I continued to think about that as we boarded and well into our 11-hour flight. It's not like I don't think about it. There isn't a day that passes where I don't. But for some reason I just feel even more grateful to be here. Maybe it's because my fundraising didn't go very well. There were a number of times that I was convinced that I was done. That I'd been beat. That this trip just wasn't for me.

My faith is so fragile; so easily thrown about. How many times must I have the Creator prove Himself to my meager and wavering understanding of His plan before I finally surrender and admit that it may actually be superior to mine? In spite of this, He continues to bless me. I'm not just talking about my location--which is breathtaking. The house we're living in for the month sits right on the beach. Our backyard is composed of several mountain ranges. We have front row seats for the sunset every evening. But for all its beauty and allure, it is not my surroundings that I am so grateful for.

I am so unfit for the place I have been put. My words are awkward and fumbling. I feel like I have so little to offer. There are so many people who could do this better than I. Yet I am the one here. These things breach my understanding; my way of rationalizing things. I have no explanations--I simply know that I am here, and that God will use me in spite of myself. I know that His grace is great. I know that He has blessed me with an incredible spiritual family that will see me through this task, both in prayer, and in standing beside me this month.

I am so unfit. And yet for the first time--I'm okay with that.