So Unfit (South Africa Journal--January 8th, 2011)

I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude, sitting where I am right now. There is a sense of desensitization that happens sometimes when you have been blessed with opportunities like this one so many times--it's a shame, really. As we waited to board our connecting flight in London, one of my teammates pointed out that I have been incredibly blessed to have had so many opportunities to travel overseas before even entering or graduating college. I continued to think about that as we boarded and well into our 11-hour flight. It's not like I don't think about it. There isn't a day that passes where I don't. But for some reason I just feel even more grateful to be here. Maybe it's because my fundraising didn't go very well. There were a number of times that I was convinced that I was done. That I'd been beat. That this trip just wasn't for me.

My faith is so fragile; so easily thrown about. How many times must I have the Creator prove Himself to my meager and wavering understanding of His plan before I finally surrender and admit that it may actually be superior to mine? In spite of this, He continues to bless me. I'm not just talking about my location--which is breathtaking. The house we're living in for the month sits right on the beach. Our backyard is composed of several mountain ranges. We have front row seats for the sunset every evening. But for all its beauty and allure, it is not my surroundings that I am so grateful for.

I am so unfit for the place I have been put. My words are awkward and fumbling. I feel like I have so little to offer. There are so many people who could do this better than I. Yet I am the one here. These things breach my understanding; my way of rationalizing things. I have no explanations--I simply know that I am here, and that God will use me in spite of myself. I know that His grace is great. I know that He has blessed me with an incredible spiritual family that will see me through this task, both in prayer, and in standing beside me this month.

I am so unfit. And yet for the first time--I'm okay with that.