The End, and the Beginning (India Journal, June 28)

This will likely be my last post from here in India as we are going to be out and/or packing most of tomorrow and then we are leaving here for the airport around 4 am on Tuesday. We took the night train from Dehradun Friday night and arrived back in Delhi around 5:30 Saturday morning. I've had a rough last few days as I got very ill on the evening preceding the last day of camp in Dehradun. Unfortunately I was completely miserable that whole day, but improved greatly over Saturday and have now mostly recovered. I can't really complain though; I've been here 3 times and never come close to being really sick like this. In fact, the last time I got sick at all was before coming to India for the first time in 2005, and my theory is the bacteria I was exposed to here built my immunity up and prevented me from getting sick in the States, so I guess in a sense India has the right to make me sick!

The whole experience in Dehradun was a very challenging one, and yet, I can look back on it immediately and say it was one of the most meaningful that I've experienced so far here. Personally it was very difficult for me dealing with the heat, lack of sleep (due to the heat), and food that doesn't agree with me. However, it was such an enriching experiencing working with the kids despite a fairly large language barrier, and on Thursday we visited a slum where many of the kids lived (I'll be going into much greater detail about this experience in a later post), which was both wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.

I've seen God's hand moving so clearly over these past few weeks. During our first week of English Bible Camp in Delhi we saw 101 children accept Christ as their Savior. Twenty-nine made commitments during our camp in Dehradun. Simultaneous to our week in Dehradun, a Hindi Bible camp was taking place back here in Delhi. They anticipated 50 children due to the fact that they were not providing transportation. One hundred and fifty attended. This is what it's all about.

We spent the afternoon with our friends here from the base. We went souvenir shopping and then out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. It was wonderful just relaxing and laughing about all the experiences we've had here, both past and present. It will be difficult to say goodbye tomorrow, as it always is. But I have no regrets. This trip has been everything I hoped and so much more. And while I don't really know what God has in store for me, I have a feeling that I'll be back. To God be the Glory!!!

David

डेविड

A Quick Update from Dehradun (India Journals, June 24)

I have to be honest in saying that I wasn't too sure how everything was going to work out this week. I'd been up to the base in Dehradun before and I knew it was small (and when I say small, I mean it's a house). So the prospect of having over 500 kids here for camp scared me a little bit. I wasn't terribly enthused by the idea either. We took the train up on Monday morning and we had our first day of camp yesterday. We were relieved to hear that there are 2 other camps going on in the area this week. So far we've had about 300 both days, still not a small number, but the kids have been extremely co-operative with our limited amount of space and so far I'd say this has gone smoother than the last one; which in of itself is a miracle as we have more kids and less volunteers. The language barrier hasn't been as ackward as I expected and our translators have been phenomenal.

We're getting a true taste of what it's like to live in India this week. The weather has been just as hot as in Delhi and we have no airconditioning. Because of the space limitations we've been spending most of our time outside for the camp. For this reason we also moved the timing of the camp earlier (8am) so we could finish by noon (the fact that the kids started showing up shortly after 7 on the first day when we weren't starting till 9 helped that decision as well). I've been really tired. I don't know if it's the heat, the lack of sleep, or both, but I've been finding myself needing to sleep after lunch everyday this week, which is really odd for me. I've been thrilled with the way this camp is running and meeting the new kids this week, but I feel sapped of energy all the time. It's okay though, because even in this I find that
God is sustaining me. I know that in everything I do it's not my own strength that is carrying me through but the strength of Christ being shown through me. Thank you all for your amazing prayers; I hope to see you in a week or so!

Living Life: The Good, the Bad, and the Eternal (India Journal, June 18)

It occured to me yesterday that I'm not sure I like it here. Today it only got worse, but I'll come back to that. Now, obviously it's difficult for me to admit that I've been having second thoughts about my adoration for this place, but the fact is that this trip has been completely different from all the others and in some ways quite frustrating. We haven't gone out since we got here and it's been almost a week. The walls are closing in, the kids at the camp we're running aren't as responsive as I'd like, and a 1/2 hour craft session isn't nearly long enough to establish (or even re-establish) meaningful relationships with them. This isn't what I expected. Adding insult to injury, today was one of those where you know as soon as you wake up that it would be best to simply roll over and hit the pillow again. I was late for prayer. I dropped my camera. I stepped in a pan of dirty water/tea on the floor, splashing it both on myself and several kids sitting nearby (don't ask). The kites we were supposed to assemble for crafts today weren't designed properly so we had to spend the afternoon fixing them and the kids weren't able to take them home as promised.

But before you stop reading in complete disgust, allow me the opportunity to not sound like a spoiled American brat. Even in my frustrations and weaknesses, God has been teaching, growing, and stretching me. It has also occurred to me over the past 48 hours that this is life. Life happens, even on the mission field. You can't drift through life, riding one spiritual high after another. I can thank God for experiences like today because otherwise I might slip into the habit of seeing these trips as some sort of escape. A spiritual intoxication to encourage myself. In other words, take something beautiful and selfless, and destroy it as only a sinner knows how: make it all about me.

There is a side to this that I would be a complete fool not to notice. While I haven't been able to connect with many of the kids at the camp, I have quickly gravitated to the children of some of the Pastors and volunteers, who are around the compound much of the day. Much like the kids in Trinidad that I met while ministering there, I have found a compassion and love for these kids who are in the church more than any others, and yet overlooked much of the time. Another aspect I've always enjoyed is the diversity and richness of the different kinds of people you meet in places like this. I've worked side by side with two Afghani Christians, refugees who are here working at the base in India. Heard stories from my friends and co-workers, Amy and Naren, of what it's like growing up in a country that isn't entirely home. Eaten in the homes of the Pastor, and different members of the congregation. This is a side of life that, when I look back, seems almost perfect. Short, simple moments, sometimes easily forgotten, but moments that bring definition and remind me that this also, is life. And life doesn't last. I sensed God telling me this as I talked to Him yesterday. We are eternal. And as children of God, we strive for things eternal. Everything else will pass away. So with that in mind, I can let go of the frustrations, enjoy the beauty, even the brevity, of the "perfect" moments, and know that, as it is said so beautifully in The Gladiator, "What we do today echoes in eternity."

Feeling Back at Home Again (India journal June 16)

I think I'm finally starting to settle in. I thought I was over the jet lag a couple days ago but I've been hitting a wall after dinner every night. Last night I made it till 10 (a big improvement actually as the night before it was 7:45) so I think I'm just about there. The past couple days I feel like I've been all over the place emotionally. I know this is partly due to my exhaustion, but I've begun to realize just how long 3 years really is, too. The disconnect I feel is so much greater than I'd anticipated. It's like starting all over again, yet everything is so familiar; it's surreal. The fact that we've had 2 1/2 days of down time hasn't helped because we've stayed pretty close to the base ever since we got here. On Sunday I saw some of the kids that were in my class in 2005 and they had no idea who I was. I try very hard not to let too many expectations build when approaching trips like these, but I think I've been anticipating this so much that I'd been doing it without even being aware of it.

Camp started today. I'm helping lead crafts along with my roommate (also named David, who is from Philly and is staying here a few months) and a South African girl named Amy who's family has lived here the past 7 years. Everything went really well, especially for the first day. About two hundred and fifty kids attended today and I was thrilled to see some familiar faces. A lot of the kids I'd connected with in years past actually remembered me too, which made my day. It's amazing how much some of these kids have changed! I had many moments today when I would see someone and think, "Wow, that looks like--waait, is it really?" Although many of the kids attending camp are already Christians, we had 6 children accept Christ today! That alone was so exciting to our whole team. We also recieved a surprise visit after camp from a team member from the 2005-6 London team who is living in Delhi now. This whole day has been such a blessing and I just feel so grateful to be back here among these people I've come to love so much. Thank you for your continued prayers, they are much needed and felt.

In Christ,
David
डेविड

Back in the Heat (India journals, June 13)

So many memories flooded back last night. After travelling across 2 time zones (Philly to London, London to Delhi) we arrived safely in New Delhi around 11 pm local time. We joked as we waited over an hour for our baggage that they must be taking it off the plane one piece at a time-and taking it to the baggage claim by hand. One of our friends was waiting for us outside (diet cokes in hand!); we loaded up and then drove to where we are staying (yes, I am being intentionally vague). I tried desperately to get my bearings the entire time we were driving, but so much has changed that it was impossible for me to recognize anything. Alot of construction and new buildings have popped up (some of the construction workers were still out working even though it was well past 1 in the morning at this point).

Thanks to our flight schedule our jet lag was minimal. It's incredibly confusing landing in London at 6 in the morning when you left a little after 6 in the evening. Your body is telling you it's night while your mind tells you it is quite obviously morning. If however, you can convince your body that it is in fact morning, it's not too hard to make it till evening and crash. I'm still a bit tired as I don't sleep well in any environment where I'm lacking room and can't lie down (ie. planes :)) The weather has also been playing with my sinuses. Going from 60 degrees to 11o can do that to you. Well, that's all for now, my creativity and energy have both come to a dead stop (and consequently, so have I--*slumps over on computer keyboard*).

Fear and Trembling (India Journals, June 10)

I'm sitting at my computer amidst a mess of debris from packing. Half filled suitcases behind me, piles of supplies (all of which need very strategic arrangement to fit in said half-filled suitcases) in front of me, and only 48 hours between me and my self-proclaimed "homecoming" across the universe (I'm listening to the song right now in case you were wondering). Alot has changed since the last time I was in New Delhi. I've changed alot. One thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I've been waiting for this moment ever since I stepped off the plane in 2006. There is a part of me that never came back from India.

I have no problem remembering the oppressive heat of the mid-afternoon sun. The constant blaring horns and the chaotic traffic of the city. Playing Cricket with the kids at an orphanage. The pleading, empty eyes of the children and beggars at every stoplight. The breathtaking beauty of the Himalayan foothills in Dehradun. Children I met at Bible camp, whose names and faces have been burned in my memory and I will never forget as long as I live. Why then, am I so afraid? Why do I feel so inexperienced, so unprepared? These questions have kept nagging at me, growing increasingly intense as my departure has drawn nearer. Frustrated, I asked God to reveal this weakness and remove it from me. After several weeks of questioning Him and this constant feeling of inadequacy, God spoke to me. No, He said, I won't remove this feeling from you. Because this is right where I want you. You see, it is only in this place of fear and trembling that I can use you.

So it comes back to control, or, more acurately, my twisted perception of it (an illusion I've created, telling myself I actually have any at all). I thought I'd mastered this incessant desire a year ago. Yet here I am, thinking it's all about how I feel. How I handle things. The way I strategize. How prepared I am. Isn't it amazing that I have little or no fear when I have some sense of control, and yet when I surrender this to God (a pitiful way of putting it really, because He always had it to begin with), I begin to fall apart. Something isn't right with this picture. What should terrify me completely is the thought that I might ever have even the slightest bit of control to begin with. God doesn't need me at my best, because it is only in Him that He sees me at my "best". What He needs is for me to get out of His way so He can use me.

So I have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Embrace this place of fear and trembling, realizing that it's on my knees, with my face in the dirt, that God truly uses me. It's a privilege. And so, with this realization, I begin to feel a sense of anticipation, a sense of excitement; awe, rising up in me again. But now it has nothing to do with me. I just can't wait to see what God is going to do. Like that kid from "The Incredibles" we've all come to love, sitting on his tricycle in the driveway, when Mr. Incredible asks him what he's waiting for, replies: "I don't know, something AMAZING, I guess."

"Do great things for God. Expect great things from God."
~William Carey

Restoring a Divine Friendship: What if Jesus was my Roommate?

It's always there. In the back of my mind, there's always that nagging thought. My friends are going to fail me. I love my friends, but too often I put them in a place that doesn't belong to them. It's a downfall that I haven't been able to fully grasp. I have a friend who is always there, who will never disappoint, who I can always talk to, and yet, I will happily and intentionally give His place in my life to someone or something that will inevitably let me down. The irony is when I do eventually surrender this position in my life to the One friend it belongs to, I find the things that disappointed me before start to make a little more sense.

I had an epiphany. I woke up Saturday morning and dragged myself to the kitchen to make myself breakfast, only to find Jesus sitting at my kitchen table. He sat there hunched over my Bible. I squinted at Him as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. He looked up, smiled, and nodded to acknowledge me. Guilt started to set in.
"Hey, did you get in late last night?" I asked.
He laughed softly. "I've been around for awhile, David."
"Right; sorry I haven't gotten around to calling you recently, but I've been so busy with school and work and," I trailed off, "everything. I just-I've been thinking of you but-" I stopped; He was watching me with an odd expression on His face. "What?"

He just shook His head. A bit perplexed, but by now somewhat familiar with this kind of behavior, I headed for the fridge. "You want something to eat?"
He grinned at me and slid the Bible across the table to where I stood. "Man cannot live on bread alone, David." He paused. "What have you been reading lately?"
I started to get annoyed. "Physics."
"Yeah? How is that working out for you?"
"It's kicking my butt."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Don't have time, I've gotta work today."
"You don't ever seem to have time, David." He stared at me.
I avoided His eyes. "Yeah, well, if you'd warned me that you'd be here, I might have been able to make time, but-"
"David, I told you-"
"Yeah, I know, you've been here; whatever. Well I haven't seen you, and you can't just drop in on me like this and expect me to just forget about everything so we can talk. I have to work, then I've got tests to study for. I might have a spot open this Tuesday if you wanna talk then. We could do lunch."

He continued to stare at me, but remained silent. My irritation grew. I sat down at the table and started to eat.
He wasn't about to let me off that easy. "So what's been going on in your life lately?"
I glared at Him over my cereal bowl. "I already told you. What's your problem?"
"So that's your life, huh?"
"For now." I said defensively.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I don't intend this to last the rest of my life."
"What is the rest of your life?"
"Huh?"
"How do you know this won't last the rest of your life? You could be gone tomorrow."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that if you're trying to put me off, than don't. If I'm not the most important part of your life, I should be."
"I don't think you really have any say in that, do you?" I mocked.
"That depends on how hard you want this to be." He said, seemingly nonplussed by my sarcasm.
"Are you threatening me?"
"I'm trying to save you some trouble."
"It appears that you're trying to give me trouble, which seems to be the case more often than not when you show up."
"I don't show up, David, I'm always-"
I jumped from my seat, sending my chair to the floor. "Shut up! Just shut up! I didn't ask for this."
We stood there for a moment, staring at each other. I held my head, because I knew what He was going to say before He said it. "Yes, you did."
"What do you want from me?" I screamed.

Everything slowed. It was as if time itself waited for His answer. My eyes met His and I didn't look away this time. His gaze pierced my heart. Tears flooded my eyes. Finally, He spoke. His words, both beautiful and terrible, ripped through my soul. "I. WANT. EVERYTHING."
I sucked air into my lungs and stumbled backwards. It was as if His words had taken on a life of their own and slapped me in the face. "Everything?"
"Everything. I want your triumphs, I want your pride. I want your relationships. I want your lusts, your selfishness, your desires. I want your dreams, your spirituality, and your idols. I want your love, your desire, your thoughts. I want your actions, your obsessions, your stability. I want-"
I slammed a clenched fist on the table and screamed in rage. "Then what?! Once you've stripped me of everything I have, of everything I am, what do I have left?"

He smiled at me, knowingly. "Nothing. And everything. But I'm not finished yet." He held my gaze and continued. "I want your pain. I want your anger. I want your bitterness. I want your weariness, your exhaustion, and your hopelessness. I want your worries, your doubt, your helplessness. I want your brokenness, your insufficiency, and your sinfulness. I want who you are, and I want who you yearn to be. I want your life."

It is here I have found the overwhelming beauty, and the greatest challenge, of the Gospel; this divine friendship with God. My greatest victory comes only in surrender. My fulfillment only from the pouring out of my life. To experience freedom, I must become a slave. And to truly live, I must die. This should be my privilege and my aim. After all, it's what my best friend did for me.